“As a born again Christian, do you drink wine?” It was a ping. A broadcast? Gosh! I should have sighed. Normally I clear BB-broadcasts with more promptitude than I use in deleting those junk messages from network providers. Not this one. Something about it tuned up my loins. “YES”, I pinged back and the YES tickled me with feeble fingers. I felt I should add some “milk” of the “word”, for this seeming “babe” in Christendom.
There are quite many “babes” in the kingdom you know: Babes who rely mostly on the “milk” dribbling from pastors and pull-pits. As for me, I think I matured past that milk as I matured past my mama’s. I take the meat of the word. In fact I take it raw, or verily dried. I needed to add some milk, or perhaps it would pass as meat of the word now, for this babe. So after pinging the YES, I quickly added, “Cos Jesus did”.
“Lol, lol, lol,” my inquisitor pinged instantly. You understand “lol” right? Well, it took me some pride-swallowing to learn that it means “laughing out loud”. “Yes, Jesus turned water to wine but there’s no record of him drinking the wine”, the babe added.
“Should I show you some scripture?” I pinged.
“Go on Pretty Pastor”. Oh no, of all the offices I dream to furnish, a pastor’s isn’t one. But I launched on, like a heated man on a wife in heat.
“First of all,” I pinged, “for anything to be called wine the thing MUST be alcoholic otherwise it’s just ordinary fruit juice, elevated by the subtle criminalities of advertising, to indulge religious biases”.
“I disagree”, the babe pinged.
“Well, you can research the word wine”, I ended on that, and picked on the koko. “Darling, I drink wine. I enjoy it. Jesus did too. Now, leave all the NOTES your pastor makes you read as Bible. Go to the real Bible. Tell me about Jesus and wine, after reading that ‘the son of man came, eating and drinking …they called him a drunkard’ ref. Matthew 11:19, Luke 7:34”. The babe slipped away, after confirming I guess. It took me near 30-minutes of read but un-replied pings before I finally got “I have read it o jaare”. I thought more pings would come but no, so I headed for climax.
“Now ask me the wine question again.” I pinged. And I didn’t wait before I ejaculated thus, “hmmm, I never even drink reach my elder brother Jesus sef. And I am supposed to do more than he did lol. If I have to stop, it won’t be because religion o”.
“Lol, lol, lol, Cooonstaant!” came the reply-ping. “Yes daaarling, you want more?” I pinged, laughing inside, shaking-my-head for how preachers inject their favoritisms into the many and multiplying “babes” of religion. I laughed, reflecting on what my Elder Brother said in Matthew 15:9, of how “their worship is a farce, for they teach man-made ideas as commands from God”. *hisses away*
Someone should pass me some wine abeg.